Well, I went on my fitness weekend...
We got into San Francisco Friday around 1pm. First stop was Muir woods. Muir Woods was beautiful. We hiked all around for about 2hrs. The trails were easy, not too many hills. The forest there is absolutely beautiful. There are giant sequoias there bigger than anything I have ever seen. Just amazing. At this point in the trip, I was feeling pretty positive about the rest of the weekend. I felt like, yes, this would be hard but nothing I couldn't handle.
Next stop was to check into the hotel and get something to eat. I had prepared a lot of my food in advance, but there were somethings I just couldn't bring or thought would be readily available there. So we go to the hotel, The InterContinental. Which is in walking distance to Union Square. It is a beautiful hotel. The staff was helpful, and friendly. We didn't stay in the room for too long. We headed out on foot to a restaurant my husband had found online that sounded perfect. The map made it look like it wasn't too far away. Although in reality, it was about a 15min walk. Which would have been fine, if the restaurant was open, but it wasn't. It is one of those places that is only open for the business crowd. We had to turn around and make that long trek back. I was not smart and opted for style over comfort in the shoes department so my feet were killing me.
Around this time, I started to get hungry. There was a bistro or bar every two steps it seemed. It all smelled so good. But I could't eat any of it. I started to feel a deep sense of despair. I wanted to eat that food. I wanted to go in and have a dessert, a big dinner, appetizers, maybe a glass of wine... But I could't. I can't. I just don't eat that way anymore. It made me very sad. I started to really realize the root of my problem, I am a food addict.
It was a sobering realization. This may be a term you have heard before, or maybe not. To me, the definition of an addict is someone who does something over and over again with a complete disregard for his or her own health and well being. He or she has is unable to stop themselves. This is me with food. I want it when I want it and once I get it, I eat until I am completely stuffed and then spend the next 24hrs hating myself for giving into it. Then I do it all again!
I ate a plain salad for dinner, no dressing or anything "fun". Just lettuce and some tomato. And I drank water. We went back to the hotel to rest up for the big day we had ahead of us.
Saturday we rented bikes and set out for the Golden Gate Bridge. This was a very emotionally challenging day. It is a hard ride to start. But it is even harder with the added 50lbs I have gained. I could not do as well as I should have. My husband spent a lot of time waiting for me, encouraging me. And I spent a lot of time being very mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I let myself get to this point. I cried the whole way.Coming back was much easier, but by the time we got back to the hotel I was in pain. I got changed and squeezed myself into the bathing suit I bought for the trip and we went down to soak in the hot tub.
It was a great trip, in spite of the road blocks. I have been feeling sorry for myself since then. Telling myself "You can't do this." "You will never make it." "This will be like every other failed attempt you have made." It is really hard to keep going with thoughts like these. Especially when everyone else in the world, it seems, is eating pizza, and having a great time. But I must keep going. I read a wonderful quote tonight posted by the Gracious Pantry on Facebook tonight. "I will beat her. I will train harder. I will eat cleaner. I know her weaknesses. I know her strengths. I've lost her before, but not this time. She is going down. I have the advantage because I know her well, She is the Old Me."
These are words to live by. Don't give up, because I won't. I will keep you posted :)
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