Trials and Tribulations...

Well, I went on my fitness weekend...


 We got into San Francisco Friday around 1pm. First stop was Muir woods. Muir Woods was beautiful. We hiked all around for about 2hrs. The trails were easy, not too many hills. The forest there is absolutely beautiful. There are giant sequoias there bigger than anything I have ever seen. Just amazing. At this point in the trip, I was feeling pretty positive about the rest of the weekend. I felt like, yes, this would be hard but nothing I couldn't handle. 

 Next stop was to check into the hotel and get something to eat. I had prepared a lot of my food in advance, but there were somethings I just couldn't bring or thought would be readily available there. So we go to the hotel, The InterContinental. Which is in walking distance to Union Square. It is a beautiful hotel. The staff was helpful, and friendly. We didn't stay in the room for too long. We headed out on foot to a restaurant my husband had found online that sounded perfect. The map made it look like it wasn't too far away. Although in reality, it was about a 15min walk. Which would have been fine, if the restaurant was open, but it wasn't. It is one of those places that is only open for the business crowd. We had to turn around and make that long trek back. I was not smart and opted for style over comfort in the shoes department so my feet were killing me. 

 Around this time, I started to get hungry. There was a bistro or bar every two steps it seemed. It all smelled so good. But I could't eat any of it. I started to feel a deep sense of despair. I wanted to eat that food. I wanted to go in and have a dessert, a big dinner, appetizers, maybe a glass of wine... But I could't. I can't. I just don't eat that way anymore. It made me very sad. I started to really realize the root of my problem, I am a food addict. 

 It was a sobering realization. This may be a term you have heard before, or maybe not. To me, the definition of an addict is someone who does something over and over again with a complete disregard for his or her own health and well being. He or she has is unable to stop themselves. This is me with food. I want it when I want it and once I get it, I eat until I am completely stuffed and then spend the next 24hrs hating myself for giving into it. Then I do it all again! 

 I ate a plain salad for dinner, no dressing or anything "fun". Just lettuce and some tomato. And I drank water. We went back to the hotel to rest up for the big day we had ahead of us.

 Saturday we rented bikes and set out for the Golden Gate Bridge. This was a very emotionally challenging day. It is a hard ride to start. But it is even harder with the added 50lbs I have gained. I could not do as well as I should have. My husband spent a lot of time waiting for me, encouraging me. And I spent a lot of time being very mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I let myself get to this point. I cried the whole way.Coming back was much easier, but by the time we got back to the hotel I was in pain.  I got changed and squeezed myself into the bathing suit I bought for the trip and we went down to soak in the hot tub.

 It was a great trip, in spite of the road blocks. I have been feeling sorry for myself since then. Telling myself "You can't do this." "You will never make it." "This will be like every other failed attempt you have made." It is really hard to keep going with thoughts like these. Especially when everyone else in the world, it seems, is eating pizza, and having a great time. But I must keep going. I read a wonderful quote tonight posted by the Gracious Pantry on Facebook tonight. "I will beat her. I will train harder. I will eat cleaner. I know her weaknesses. I know her strengths. I've lost her before, but not this time. She is going down. I have the advantage because I know her well, She is the Old Me." 

These are words to live by. Don't give up, because I won't. I will keep you posted :)

Rough Road Ahead...

Day 4...

  I am approximately midway through week one of my new healthy journey. It has been a tough time so far. I posted earlier what I am eating now. Very minimal. This is what is necessary for weight loss. Pure mathematics. Calories in must be less than calories out. You need to have a deficit to lose weight. This is not a new theory. It is the basis of all weight loss plans. But, the last 3 1/2 days have me looking at the way I was eating in a whole new light. 

  When I signed up for this challenge, there was a packet you filled out that asked all about your food likes and dislikes. Each meal plan is tailored to the contestant. There was also a place where you filled out a days worth of what you ate. The day I filled out was a particularly light day. I was busy with the kids and my Gramma, who I care for full time, and I had PTSA stuff going on as well. So when I wrote all that down, I added it up and it totaled about 1400 calories. I thought "No big deal, I am not eating that much...". Well, in thinking about it, I should have written down the next few days as well. Those days consisted of a large grilled veggie burrito from the local Taqueria, chocolate, chips and salsa, and red wine. I absolutely LOVE red wine. If I would have included all that, the total would have been more like 2600-3000 calories depending on the day. 

  All that considered, it explains why I am STARVING on the mere 1200-1300 calories I am allotted each day. I have not cheated on the diet (though I do admit freely that I have opened a bottle of red wine one day this week to take a sniff..). I don't feel like I will cheat purely based on my competitive nature. But that does not take away from the fact that I am indeed starving. I know that in the end, it will be worth it. It is the getting there that is the hard part.

  This weekend I begin the exercise part of my program. I am kicking it off with a fitness retreat in San Francisco, Ca. My husband has planned out all kinds of adventures for us. Biking across the Golden Gate Bridge into Sausalito for a salad lunch, window shopping through Union Square, a free Yoga class in Golden Gate Park, and a hike through the hillside. What about food, you may ask. Well I am going to stick with my plan. I will have my healthy eating binder with me, and our hotel is within walking distance of Whole Foods. I am bringing my blender (for protein shakes, not margaritas *sigh*) and even my George Foreman Grill, which incidentally has been the best $18 I have ever spent. So I feel pretty confident I will be able to stick to it. 

  I am looking forward to my first weigh in on Monday morning. I feel like Ian heading in the right direction and closer to my goal of Getting Mama Healthy... I will keep you posted :)

  

And So It Begins

March 18th I began a fitness weight loss challenge. Over this past weekend, I got my meal plan and did all my shopping. I have the first day done and I have learned something about this challenge. It is going to be tough. Tougher than I thought it would be. This is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast
.5 cup All Bran cereal
.5 cup skim milk
1 scoop protein powder mixed with water

Am Snack
3 rice cakes
1 scoop protein powder mixed with water

Lunch
1 cup salad mix
50 grams of boneless skinless chicken breast (cooked with my new George Foreman Grill!)
3 tbsp of Walden Farms zero calorie dressing

Pm Snack
50 grams of Swai Fillet (white fish)
1 tbsp fat free Greek yogurt
2 tbsp salsa (fresh)
1 cup raw spinach
1 tortilla

Dinner
50 grams of chicken breast
1 cup steamed broccoli

Bedtime Snack
1tbsp all natural peanut butter
1scoop protein powder mixed with water

The only thing not on here is the 3 cups of plain green tea and 100oz of water I drank. If its not on here, I didn't use it. No salt, no cooking spray or other oil, and very little fat. Going from what I was eating, this is nothing. It totaled about 1293 calories. It did help me to realize how much I have actually been eating. Probably double this. Maybe that has something to do with all the weight gain......

The other task I had to do this weekend was meet with the trainer and have all my measurements taken. That was terrible. Luckily she kept all that so I don't have to look at it. I also had to weigh in. Another traumatic event. And send in a picture to her for whatever advertising they will be doing when this is done. She told me to go ahead and put my BIKINI on and send it to her. I told her I don't own a bikini, all the while thinking, can't she see me? I mean, what in the heck would I be doing with a bikini? Maybe as some kind of head scarf....

She settled on me wearing just my sports bra and some old exercise shorts I have had for probably 15 years. It was a pathetic sight. I sent it in very reluctantly. My instinct was to immediately delete that picture. But I stopped myself. I think at the end of all this, assuming I can stick with it, I will appreciate how far I have come. I am still debating on whether or not to post that picture. It's pretty terrible.

There were a lot of numbers taken, but the only one I care about is this one:

Starting weight 194.4

This is a big number to me. I will get the others from my trainer and post those soon. But the weight is the number that sticks with me. It's just a starting point, right? Well it's day two. I am going to keep it going. I will keep you posted :)

Fed up!

I am on a mission...

 I am completely sick and tired of being unhealthy and unhappy with myself. 

 I have four great kids. They are wonderful, intelligent, creative... They have definitely left a mark on my heart. Unfortunately they have also left a mark on my waist, my thighs, my rear and everywhere else. For the past 14 years, I have been trying to figure out a quick fix. I have tried it all. Diet pills, workout videos, shakes, bars, no gluten, high protein, low carb, and countless other weight loss gimmicks and tricks. Nothing has been sustainable. A few years ago, I ran a few half marathons. 3 in 3years. I lost some weight and was feeling good. But, I burned out on the running and hit a plateau in my weight loss.i got frustrated and gave up. I started gaining weight and got very depressed. I am now coming out of "the dark", and am trying to get back on track. 

 So, first thing I did was weigh in. You need a starting point, right? I thought, "Can't be that bad...?". Wrong. I stepped on the scale recently and discovered I have definitely gained some weight. The really depressing thing is not only have I gained back all the weight I lost previously which was 60lbs, but I officially weigh more now than I did after my last pregnancy. Depressing, right?

 Well, after this sobering realization, I figured I have two options. I can either crawl back into "the dark", being my depression, or I can move forward. I decided that this is it. I am done with the quick fix and the diets. I am also done with the negative self talk, and the self loathing. I am on the mend. I am going to figure out how to be healthy and happy and never look back. Sounds good doesn't it? Now I just need a plan...

 I know what I don't want and that is another "diet". I know the term is starting to be overused, but, I need a lifestyle change. Not a gimmick, or a pill. I decided to listen to what my wonderfully smart husband has been telling me for the last 13yrs. He has been telling me to get back to basics. To eat only what you need. You know, food as fuel, that whole thing. So, that is my plan. To eat naturally good foods. Fruits, veggies, grains, etc. Basically a whole food diet. Or clean eating. The theory is simple, if you don't know where it came from, don't eat it.  

 I have planted my vegetable garden, and have started making bread and other snacks that I would have previously purchased. I am packing my lunch everyday and planning out our dinners with the help of a great trainer I know. I am also back at the gym. My goal right now is 3days per week. I found an awesome spin class and a yoga class. So far, it is going well.

 This is going to be a long process, but a necessary one. I am so excited to see where this takes me. And I think documenting this journey here will be fun. I will keep you posted :)